Claire Smith, is an accomplished female Mixed Martial Artist, a mother of 1, and on the Autistic spectrum, these are Claire's experiences of being an adult on the Spectrum, Claire is also a Fighter Ambassador for Fighting For Autism.
"So where do I start? I was asked to write a blog to let people know about me and my autism.
So I guess I am going to start with I'm 34 years old and autism very much plays a massive part in my life and how I deal with day to day life, I wrote a status on Facebook today “What's the point in fighting for acceptance in something when that one thing your fighting for is the one thing you would change about yourself if you could Autism sucks and I hate having it“.
Maybe the reason people with autism don't form friendships like “normal” people is because your oddness shows through to much you try be a friend but actually have no idea how to and say things wrong then upset the people you never intended to upset. Not being able to read situations gets you in so much trouble, you form friendships and end up pushing them people away because the way you say things or the way u interpret things How can u fight for acceptance when you don't accept yourself how can u fight for awareness when you try to hide your disability to people cause your embarrassed I wish my brain worked how it should and I wish I could change the way I am, as I have spent 34 years trying to fit in.
I'm so tired, maybe I should just stick to the autism rule book and live my life in a bubble, because I don't understand the real world and haven't got the energy to fight to be accepted.
When is different ever really accepted?
I wrote this because, I thought I've upset a close friend of mine today all because my autism is high, I'm a grown adult I'm a single mum to a 10 year old and I still have autism.
I wish you could grow out of autism it really would make my life easier. Because of my autism everyday is made 10 x harder I have a support worker that come to me a few times a week to help with paper work, paying bills, and goes to appointment with me I can't do waiting rooms a hospital and doctors cause the sounds and to many people, new places or new people I don't do well with, and I need to be warned before meeting anyone new or I will have a meltdown.
I don't do good with change of routine so with the six weeks school holiday just started I'm finding it hard to adapt friendships, I struggle with it takes me ages to form them and seconds to lose them People always say they will never walk away they understand u the autism doesn't bother them but they always end up going when the autism hits Autism is a very sad and lonely place at times as a child u know your different but u don't know y but u have the safely net of your family so it's ok your ok to be in your bubble as a child because you have enough people around stopping that bubble being burst, but as an adult that bubble burst and you are in the real world and there's no one to stop you getting hurt.You try to form friendships, but, I found that when times get hard people aren't interested in understanding and that confidence is in my case one thing I lack, and it doesn't take much to knock it, I got into fighting because being bullied at school and was shocked I was actually good at it the gym became my safe zone, that want to fit in ,went I actually could do the same stuff everyone else could do I wasn't the "weird kid with autism" I was 'normal' after 10 weeks of starting the gym, I won the southern area championship in kickboxing.
I will never forgot that feeling of winning that, I've been bullied all my life because of being autistic, I've been laughed at, pushed, punch, spat at and used by people. When I form a friendship, I normal mess it up because I become to much for that one person and an adult having a melt down isn't a good look. Unfortunately it seems like a never-ending battle, but, you are battling just as one person alone, kind of like kickboxing or Mixed Martial Arts.
Finding a friend, when you think you’ve found that person, your guard comes down but you are left wide open to be taken advantage of or misunderstood, and then it comes as the hardest smack in the face you ever had, when autism gets to much and you lose another friend, the amount of best friends I've meant to have had I've lost count, I've lost because my autism and the reality is people just don't understand what autism is.
They think you can control your feelings, and what comes out of your mouth, they think you can control your frustration.
Some people think you do it for attention, when u couldn’t be further from the truth. Do you really think just for attention I would lose it cry uncontrollably sit in the corner of the room hitting my head as hard as I can against a wall that really is some attention seeking?
I feel like applying for a role in soap opera, at least acting as if losing your temper on yourself punching yourself as hard as you can in the face is some attention seeking. (I'm a fighter I can punch and that hurts) throwing your brand new Iphone across a room as hard as you can because your in a melt down really wouldn't be a good idea if I was only doing it for attention.
Is it so hard for people just to accept that everyone is different?
Just because I can't read or process a situation doesn't mean I am a bad person, or I am a bad friend, it doesn't mean I can't hold a friendship, some of the most caring nicest people you will meet are on the autistic spectrum, I personally go out my way to help people out, I leave myself not being able to pay bills to make sure 'friends' do go without I will try to buy friendship just cause that way in my brain that person will want to be friends with me but when the money runs out so does the friendship.
I can't tell who using me and who not sometimes, I probably question the wrong friends and end up losing them and other times I don't question the right friends and get taken advantage of .Growing up with autism is so hard, and it doesn't get any easier you just learn to hide it. So many people are shocked when I tell them I have autism, then the 'real' me comes out and then I get can't believe I've not seen it before.
I wish I could stand up on the biggest building in the world and shout out to everyone that autistic people have feelings, and get the message across to just get some sort of acceptance. If I could stop a child going through this daily battle I have, then I will do everything I can to stop it.
In all honesty, my hopes for the future are just to form one real friendship where I don't have to question that friendship, where that person gets that I may be a bit different or odd, but odds not a bad thing.
I just want to be accepted in this big wide world, yes I have a disability but that does not make me any less of a person.
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